The day every teacher had been waiting for finally had arrived…the last day of school of the year 2020-2021. Internally, I was more than ready to finally have some normalcy in my upcoming summer vacation, or so I thought…but something happened, something totally unexpected.
For years, even before COVID, like many teachers, I learned to recognize how stress manifested itself on my body periodically when facing stressful periods of time. After the stressful situation came to an end, these symptoms thankfully always went away. I learned to live with it and pushed myself to continue to do what I enjoy the most in this world…teach!
I can’t believe I had done it along with thousands of educators around the country….we taught through a pandemic and were still standing, but just how strong?
I am not going to say I enjoyed COVID teaching, but because I do enjoy integrating technology into my lessons, it wasn’t difficult for me to adapt my teaching to whatever scenario was thrown my way.
Although I know I gave it my all to teaching virtually and in hybrid mode and my classes turned out well, there were other things on the horizon that stressed me out more than I care to admit. “What?” You may ask. Here are just some of those factors:
- Every teacher lived it….constant uncertainty. Not knowing exactly what to expect or how to prepare for classes. It shook everyone!
- Even though I found many ways to engage my learners, I was still heavily grieving my students face to face and the class environment we had created pre-COVID times.
- I started noticing that every time I would received a “let’s pivot or let’s be flexible” email I would begin to feel strong palpitations like I never had before over what I thought was something “so small.”
- The additional amount of documentation required during pandemic teaching and the obsession to track data often would lead me to a chocking sensation because I just felt I couldn’t handle any extras.
- Juggling & accommodating every parent & learner request that came my way for the sake of meeting the needs of all of my learners at the best of my ability. This often created resentment on my behalf.
- And a handful of other situations I can’t really discuss in detail.
If I am sounding like a victim and whiner to you, I promise you I was never a whiner. In fact, prior to what I am about to tell you, I always thought “we are adults and we just need to suck it up and push forward.” I mean, I went through worse things before in my teen years and early 20s, never a pandemic, but believe me, I experienced trauma in my life for many years during my high school years and early college years, and I made it. I felt like I had no reason to feel the way I was feeling…something wasn’t adding up.
Again, the last day of school of 2020-2021 arrived, and I was so happy because I knew what I called symptoms of teacher stress were about to leave my body. I just knew it. It always happened that way…and I was wrong.
This is the story about how I began to recognize something that I know many educators will sadly be able to relate to, but I wish upon no one:
The first week of my summer, I did not know what to feel. I felt like I did not want to (and could not ) be around anyone. I just wanted to be by myself. I did not think I was good company, plus that annoying sensation that I had tiny ants crawling on my right trap was so annoying and would not go away. I often experienced headaches out of nowhere just like during the school year, nothing new, and decided to give myself a week to unplug and do nothing.
I noticed during the first week and moving on to my second week of summer that my breathing sometimes would get harder and faster. This began to scare me because it suddenly happened. And to be honest, I probably had that happen during the school year, but I never took the time to notice it.
I also started to notice that I had a very hard time falling asleep and even sleeping through the night uninterrupted. I often wondered why because all of my stressors were 100% gone. I seriously had nothing to worry about in my life during my summer.
What did I do then? I researched ways to get rid of stress quickly, and I was so glad that I had the opportunity to visit my family in Mexico and to spend a ton of time in nature. It helped on some days, but on other days, I was a bit off even while I was on vacation. Even though I was often surrounded by beauty and by people I love so much who I don’t often get to see it was as if my mind was not 100% with my body and it wasn’t because I was worried about other things or day dreaming, I don’t know where my mind went, and that was also scary.
When I came back from Mexico, I continued to have trouble falling asleep and in the mornings I would often wake up extremely anxious over who knows what. I literally had to stay in bed many mornings in the summer wrapped up in my blankets and would ask my husband to bring my dog to me to comfort me as he went to work. My husband also did not understand what was making me feel the way I was feeling.
The more I continued to research ways to get rid of stress, I realized that what I was experiencing were many of the symptoms defined by the generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), not the average teacher anxiety. I honestly did not even know what GAD was exactly.
I knew people often would get anxious, and it was then that I realized that I had already experienced several anxiety attacks throughout the days and they started becoming more constant over the summer out of all times!!! This was to the point that I was afraid of when I would experience my next attack…I started getting a bit worried about myself because my drive to do ANYTHING totally left me. The only things that brought me peace were the beach, my dog, being by myself, and prayer.
Back to School 2021-2022
Feeling the way I was feeling I considered leaving teaching because of anxiety, but I had already signed my contract. And to be honest, I wanted to remain positive and believe that “this too shall pass,” and I am still believing it.
Because I experienced heavy anxiety during June and July to the point where I often began stuttering at random times, I simply was not my normal “BACK TO SCHOOL self” this 2021-2022 year, and I had to allow myself to be okay with that. I reminded myself that this school year I would have the pleasure of teaching students face to face and I knew seeing my students was going to bring some joy back into my life.
Coping with Anxiety as a Teacher
I knew I could not go back to school and experiencing anxiety over the top so here is what I did to help myself cope with anxiety as a teacher:
- There is no magic pill, but I finally went to the doctor and got on medication for it.
- I began to RELIGIOUSLY take my multi-vitamins & vitamin B complex.
- I stopped drinking alcohol and (sadly) coffee because I noticed these two only made things worse for me.
- I started eating as clean as possible again treating myself very occasionally if I am feeling somewhat normal.
- I began to talk to my husband & friends about generalized anxiety disorder and I have one friend at school who often helps me calm down in the mornings if I feel like I am about to loose it.
- I cut down my time on screens.
- I now push myself to drink close to a gallon of water per day.
- Began ensuring I got 8 hours of sleep no matter what.
- For the moment being, I only work at home when I feel up for it, so this is why momentarily, you aren’t seeing me as much on social media.
These are things that I did to help me walk towards healing, and the reason why I am sharing my story is because I know I am not alone. I have read hundreds (yes, hundreds) of messages throughout the summer on social media about people feeling all types of anxious emotions as we get ready to start the new year.
If that is you, I just want to let you know that I started my new school year two weeks ago and during pre-planning week, I experienced several mild anxiety attacks at school, but my friend helped me through it. Thankfully, once students started day one, they really did bring a lot of joy to my life, and I was almost anxiety free that first week with students. It gives me hope.
As I am writing this blog post this Saturday evening, I have to be honest and tell you that although I had an excellent first week back almost anxiety free, this Saturday morning, I experienced a pretty bad anxiety attack in the morning, the kind that has my teeth clenching terribly and leaves me feeling like I can’t breath all day, but I know it will be gone eventually.
Moving Forward
I asked the wrong question “Why me?” Everyone who knows me personally knows that I have always been a GO-GETTER in turbo mode. I am a goal crusher. I am an enneagram type three. Yet, here I am feeling more vulnerable than ever in every way. For a person like me, it is hard to admit that sometimes I may lose control of how my body will react to certain situations.
I am going to look at the silver lining and that is the fact that now I am going to be able to understand students and people who experience anxiety. I wasn’t able to relate or even began to understand it prior to this summer.
Yes, I often feel like I am hanging by a thread but I know God isn’t going to let me fall as He has carried me through worse before.
Here I am still learning about myself, about anxiety, and about finding healing.
It is my hope that this won’t be interpreted as a depressing blog or an attention seeking blog. I am simply sharing my story because I know it can help others and writing is also therapeutic.
I also want you to know if you are experiencing severe anxiety like me that this isn’t not your fault. You don’t lack faith and you are not weak (these were my initial thoughts when I first figured out what was really happening to me, don’t listen to those lies).
We are strong and we will get through this as many times as we need to.
Remember, if you think you are experiencing anxiety, it looks different for everyone so everyone will heal differently from it.
If you are experiencing some of the same symptoms I have experienced, don’t hesitate to contact your primary care physician who can refer you to a professional who will be able to help you get on the road to healing.
Thank you so much for sharing! This really helped me and have a me a much needed dose of hope
Thank you for being so transparent. I’m a different me compared to pre-pandemic me, too. My dentist noticed that I started grinding my teeth this year, and recommended I purchase a mouth guard to wear while I sleep. Also, I’ve always been very social, but I find that I talk myself out of social events and opt for staying home.
Bertha, I am so sorry you are going trought this. Trust that it should pass soon. I went through something similar during the summer of 2020, but ended up getting an ablation of the heart (restart the heart) as my heart beats were extremely abnormal. To top it off I got a facial paralysis (bell’s palsy) in June of 2020. I am still recovering from it 🙁 ALL has been caused by stress.
It has been a horrific year, but like you I never took the time to think and concentrate to take care of me. Fortunately, I learned my lesson and now I plan on putting me first and sleeping more than 7 hours, eating healthy meals, taking naps, and incorporating long walks that help me release my stress.
Please take care of yourself and always put you first.
I too have had a couple of episodes of anxiety and I completely understand how you feel.
Thank you for sharing your story and for helping us understand the symptoms of anxiety.
Kudos to you for telling it like it is! You are a courageous woman and teacher. We are all in this together and we will also heal together!
Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who as struggled with pretty severe GAD and depression for years as a teacher, I truly can relate. The combination of talk therapy and finding the right combination of medications is what finally worked for me.
To everyone who developed an anxiety disorder this year, you can get through. Be sure to use any resources that you have to get through it. Remember, we all went through a trauma experience last school year and some of that trauma is likely to continue in to this year. Seeking help in managing it is not weak or shameful. It is the best gift you can give yourself, your loved ones, and your students.
So much truth here! I experienced some serious anxiety toward the end of this last year that led to some physical symptoms. I got prescribed anti-anxiety meds for the first time ever. I’m talking with some friends, I never knew how many of them said they had been prescribed anti-anxiety meds early in their teaching career. It both breaks my heart that this happens in our careers but personally amazed/blessed and shocked it took 15 years into teaching for me to need these meds. Each year I find myself wondering how long this is sustainable but I’m getting better at boundaries and figuring out what is best for me.
Sra. Delgadillo, thank you for sharing your anxiety journey. Some of us can’t recognize it or admit it. Every school year has its own challenges but certainly the past one was one of the hardest. This year will bring its own but we have to remember: we aren’t alone, it is ok to ask for help and accept our feelings.
Wishing you a great school year!!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us. The reality is so many of us face the same things and they are often left unsaid. We need to support each other and advocate for the mental-health resources we need. Prioritizing ourselves and our well-being is of utmost importance. We are here for you!
-Virginia & Eliana
I cannot express how similar my situation is. Thank you so much for putting into words EXACTLY how I have been feeling. I think many of us teachers are underestimating how horrifically traumatic this year has been- and in the summer, many of us CRASHED. It is a form of PTSD, as confirmed by my therapist. None of my “self-care” methods are working so I have started medication. No luck so far but fingers crossed.
I am glad you are feeling better. Take care of yourself. I really miss your email and blogs.
I had the anxiety starting Covid last Spring and started medicine and now feel fine.
I learned so much from your blog and benefited from the resources you shared though they are in Spanish or for Spanish. I am teaching Chinese.
My school starts next week. I hope I am ready. if you have any first-week actvities that work well for you, would you mind sharing them with me? Thank you so much.
Take care of yourself.
¡Hola Bertha!
Thank you for sharing about such a difficult time in your life. My husband and I are both teachers, so we definitely know what you are talking about. I hope your year goes smoothly, even though we are still suffering this pandemic.
Prayers abound for all teachers worldwide!
Bertha, thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate your honesty about what so many of us are going through. I have also been struggling mightily and your checklist of things that are helping you really appeals to me. (I was just thinking that maybe that bowl of Froot Loops for lunch isn’t really serving me as well as something nutritious!) Big virtual hug to you as we begin this crazy year still in pandemic mode.
Bertha, you are God’s gift to us ! I can say that for me you have inspired me and gave me courage to learn and apply it to my teaching practice with success. I admire your openness, honesty, and attention to mental health, we all at some point have experienced. You got this! ❤️
Bertha, thank you for sharing and being open to what you have been going through. Muchas paz y salud para ti.
Im just getting around to reading this. Wow! I can’t tell you how much I can relate. And seeing all these teachers experiencing the same makes me both sad and hopeful at the same time. Our profession is taking a toll on health like never before. My anxiety started during COVID, but was worse when it was “over”. I am so different post COVID. It’s a strange and unfortunate reality. Praying that the Lord would bring healing to hearts and minds so we can continue to educate our students well, prioritizing health and family.